I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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