come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
