they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
