My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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