my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Randomize
