I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
