You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
