Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Randomize
