The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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