Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
