Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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