hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
