I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
