You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
