He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
