I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
