My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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