turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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