Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Dicks are not precious.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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