Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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