You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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