Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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