My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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