at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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