he told me I talked like a deaf person
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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