I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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