well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
