Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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