11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
