Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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