My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
