We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
