Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
