I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
