I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
