The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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