So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
