I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
