She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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