talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
