College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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