Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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