yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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