I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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