I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
