Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just gargled with NyQuil
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
