my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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