Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
