so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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