I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
