when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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